This is the Cheatham County Sheriff’s Report for July 29, 2022, provided by the Sheriff’s Office.
SHERIFF’S REPORT: THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT WHIPPING THAT ABOUT
“No matter how serious, difficult or boring your job may be, always have a friend to be goofy with”-Breedlove
The job we saddled up to do, for the most part, is not fun. It’s dangerous and deadly. It sometimes has its moments of happiness. Especially when we can help a poor soul, who is having the worst day ever. We smile often, knowing we served you well. Most calls your deputies respond to are routine and sometimes mundane. But all are important.
A lady with dementia was reported walking down the highway but picked up by a good samaritan. She was reunited with her family. Two young thugs in a gold car, brandishing gold teeth, flashed a gangnam-style pistol. Gone on arrival and hopefully back to Nashville.
Someone in the middle of the night stole seven or eight splintered telephone poles using two trucks, occupied by several people who suspiciously looked like strippers with ugly dudes driving. Unfortunately, the surveillance camera was angled in a way that did not show any stripper interacting with the rugged long timbers. All linemen from the county volunteered to solve the mystery.
A record number of suspicious people were reported this week including an alleged woman who was actually “a man, baby,” picking up trash along the roadway. Another suspicious man near a bridge was just chilling out and trying to cool down with some hot Nashville chickens.
There was a suspicious person who appeared to be really suspicious when he questioned the deputy about his suspicions. He accused all law people of being too suspicious and only harassed him because of his weird, abnormal and suspicious behavior.
A very slow “weed speed” pursuit got more dangerous when neighborhood dogs joined in the fray, gnashing at his Goodyears. Even crazier as a neighborhood senior citizen veered her scooter into the path, braked checking the suspect. The pursuit finally ended when slow-walker Thelma Fred “frisbeed” her new dentures into the side window, inflicting artificial bite marks and quickly nabbing the geezer.
O’Brien’s General Store was vandalized and a suspect quickly identified. BENJAMIN MICHAEL CREECH, (1st pic) allegedly damaged store property while cameras captured it all. CREECH is seen expressing his free speech. He also had an outstanding capias for allegedly doing another crafty, criminally-masterminded, thing. Pic #2 demonstrates a jail expression of unhappiness.
LEAH SHADOWENS (3rd pic) was booked again this week for not showing up to court.
ERIC REYES (4th pic) was arrested for Domestic Assault.
Whoever left an inflated rendition of “Smokey the Bear’”on the side of Bearwallow Rd with fresh bear dung, (Reportedly stolen out of the Smokies), please turn yourself in. The bear fecal was scientifically analyzed with a new and improved Park Service “Scat-Splat GPS Technology.”
UT Extension Service Master Ronnie Barron is in charge of the inquiry. We know who you are, Ed. Stolen poop is nothing to mess with. You need to see the sheriff on Monday.
Another week of criminal acts, unnecessary nakedness and other juvenile hijinks. Please give us a break this weekend and stay in your house while drinking.
Team Cheatham loves you, always…
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