This is the Cheatham County Sheriff’s Report for July 8, 2022, provided by the Sheriff’s Office.
SHERIFF’S REPORT: STRANGE WEEK, INCLUDING THE ESCAPE OF FARON HEIGHT.
The days are galloping now for a lot of us. Being young, I wished for things to hurry up and get here. Now, I want the days to hang around a little bit longer.
Where did the week go? Friday already?
It’s story time again and this week’s report will only be “The facts ma’am, just the facts.”
-LAPD Sgt. Joe Friday.
He committed suicide in 2009 but his billfold was found and turned in this week. All those years ago, he told his AA sponsor that if he couldn’t take it anymore, he would end it in the green woods with a bullet. And sadly, he did just that. We’ve been working to find his next of kin but so far, to no avail. Stranger than fiction.
Wiley Pardue was the scene of violent family fighting when Wiley Wong, the illegitimate son of Wilford, showed up unexpectedly but predictably drunk again. Coherent words first set the tone, then slurs about somebody not loving someone’s life choices, turned physical.
From fists swinging to accidental wind-breaking, the struggle finally turned to laughter when unintentional harmless poots by all parties intervened. Deputies arrival was met with an aromatic welcoming; however, safe side-hugging was agreed upon.
There was a lot of smoke coming from behind Cheatham Elementary. Deputies arrived to find a construction crew burning timber, in a dry wooded area, next to a gas line, while napping in their smoked up, half-baked, surplused jet-fuel truck. The Fire Department was called in to hose the idiots down.
Pegram’s July 4th parade was historic in so many ways. The longest in memory, the hottest day ever witnessed. Even the Jenkins and Hurt family kids were spotted illegally frying eggs on 70 while patiently waiting for melted candy.
AMERICANA: A patriotic celebration in every small American town. Our way of life is why all walks of life want to be here.
Calls for assistance, complaints and southern-twang swearing came from all county parts this week. The Marlboro cigarette dangled nervously off Shirley’s lower lip. Squinting one eye, she mumbled at the deputy to kiss her big fat stink bug.
We showed up on Justice Rd, Trouble Rd, Smileys, Teeters, Pond Creek, Bluff Creek, ‘Ole Lady Hollow, Dogwood Lane, Catnip Court, Woodcock Hollow and the drug-plagued Dirty Dirt Road located just south of Limp Digit’s love shack.
More overdoses than ever were reported. We wonder when people will end their stance on the cliff edge and start living again. Narcan was applied as always but uncooperative addicts are mad at us for giving out that “sorry ass do-gooder drug.” We like to help save, if only that one.
Just a glimpse of the stranger things that happened this week.
Your sheriff may be a stranger thing but loves you all. Have a safe weekend and fill yourself with funny gossip, refreshing water, including a voracious amount of laughter!
If you need us, we’re just a call away…
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