This is the Cheatham County Sheriff’s Report for August 12, 2022, provided by the Sheriff’s Office.
SHERIFF’S REPORT: OUR RESOLVE TO PROTECT YOUR FREEDOM TO LAUGH
The many roads of Cheatham are curvy, straight, narrow and downright scary. We travel them with little fear because your servants are on a mission to get to you. They are your super highway watchmen.
Otis Lipp Sr. and the Lego Clan were at it again on Dead Branch. This time it was the Legos who needed to go to jail. Otis, second cousin to Belcher, has an involuntary secreting syndrome and allegedly puked on his other third cousin, Delmont during a debate about monkeys. Such a ruckus ensued causing Aunt Acnee to start beating both parties with her already damaged wood leg. Anyway, everybody went to jail.
A roommate dispute was started after one caught the other using meth. The methed-up roomie was ordered to pack up his stolen trash bag and take all disassembled appliances with him.
A simple unlock request turned ugly when Duane smacked Fabrica in the mouth. The locksmith apprentice was booked and placed in cell #7 with Gus, Bearwallow’s toothless man-kisser.
How LOW can a criminal GO?
DRESDAN HOLLARS went below the lowest this week as deputies were closing in to arrest him. HOLLARS was suspected to be possibly armed and dangerous a few days earlier, when he escaped from a stolen vehicle while leaving behind meth, fentanyl and a loaded handgun.
The tip to his location sent all available servants to a shed. During the entry, HOLLARS grabbed and allegedly held up a baby as a human shield in front of the deputies’ drawn weapons!!
Your servants quickly ordered him to put the baby down multiple times and subsequently rescued two children. HOLLARS was subdued along with the baby’s mother, who also had multiple felony warrants. This proven criminal needs to stay locked up a long time. Babies are safe with other relatives.
RAMBLINGS FROM YEARS AFAR: Last weekend’s barn door was opened causing many horses galloping out. One gentleman of “equestrian distinction” reported getting hit upside the head with a turd-smeared shovel. An inquiry commenced with little outcome.
Mrs. Lucy’s Jersey cow, “Frieda, the Dainty Climate Changer,” had all it could take with strange noises coming from across the road on Mosley Ferry. With her bell clanging and flatulence expelling, she pushed through the fence, running over two humans holding strange looking light boxes. Their skinny pants and woven man buns got hurled upside down, landing in Harley hog’s poop pond.
Deputies arrived and refused demands by the new Nashville residents to execute all animal carbon violators. They were advised to just go home and take a shower for the sake of global goodness.
She had a serious drug issue and was coming off meth. A terrible poison with euphoric beginnings followed by horrible lows while exasperated families are left hollowed out. She called us to help her and we respectfully obliged. An ambulance quietly arrived and all rallied for her readiness. We hope this is the new beginning of ending her darkness.
Be safe and clean this weekend, Team Cheatham. Frieda has requested no selfies or insta-moos, please.
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