This is the Cheatham County Sheriff’s Report for May 20, 2022, provided by the Sheriff’s Office.
SHERIFF’S REPORT ON COWS: THE REAL PROBLEM CAUSING CLIMATE CRIMES
There was trouble again on Trouble Rd when a neighbor property dispute turned ugly. Before deputies arrived, reports that handfuls of pollen were being thrown at opposing parties across boundary lines. Both agreed to mutual bouts of sneezing, spitting and hocking.
Welfare checks requested this week began on Porter Morris, Maxey Bridge, Autumn Woods, Chapmansboro Road, Walter Harris Road, Old Clarksville Pike, Zapata Drive, Petway and concluded at Terry’s Small Engine. Two dogs “at large” killed chickens and livestock off Hwy 12. Jersey cows reportedly sought revenge with violent shock and moo.
Domestics were reported on Robin Court, Cherokee Court, Walter Harris Road and Bandy Road, Overdoses continued to work your first responders into overtime. It’s incredible that Fetanyl is more available than Baby Formula!! Are we in the Upside Down Zone?
A vehicle pursuit initiated by THP was assisted with deputies on Old Clarksville Pike. The suspect fled into a wooded area but was subsequently captured. Afterwards, the suspect stated when still in Cheatham, he knew the gig was up. He added it was hopeless to run while crying about “those dog-pony, butt-sniffing deputies.”
DELIVERY ALERT: Porch pirates are on the prowl around the county and if you see anyone suspicious in your neighborhood, please call dispatch, 615-792-2098. A blue Nissan with suspected thieves was spotted in the Neptune community.
Please, weary drivers!. When you pull up to one of our “bargain barn gas pumps of Cheatham,” try not to sleep and slobber at the wheel. You will likely be visited by a friendly and courteous attendant dressed as Deputy Key. Many people are just dog-tired from working double shifts. Others have been up on a 24-hour drug binge. Deputies will quickly figure it out.
Complaints came flooding in about tenants stealing the landlords property, people shooting into a house with a pellet gun even when no evidence could be found, Traffic hazards included trees laying in the roadway as an act of defiance against flatulent cows and shiny squirrels.
An honest soul turned in a wallet this week Trespassers wouldn’t take “get off my property you weirdo” as a real demand. Some were cited, others arrested. Seven just disappeared, screaming on the way down in “Hook Man Hollow.”
There was that cow again, obstructing Triangle Road. “Vera the Voluptuous Angus” allegedly displayed her udders in an act of lewdness towards passing motorists. Niedert, the local perp, was told to stop driving by so many times. Animal control was requested and the cow cuffs were deployed with extreme prejudice by Deputy Hawkins.
Why does the south side have to put up with trains blocking the cross overs of Walkup and East Kingston Roads? It’s been a continuous issue since that war between the interstates back in 1863. A petition is currently being drawn up to move the tracks to the county’s northern frontier called “Plezant Vue.”
Have a pleasant weekend Team Cheatham and drink water like it’s a hot summer in July!
We appreciate all of the brave women and men that serve this community and may God bless you all in abundance un-phathomable.